Two Friends. Two Very Different Battles. One Week That Changed Things Forever

Some episodes are planned.

This wasn't one of them.

This week, I found myself walking alongside two very dear friends whose lives took completely different paths.

One is courageously facing the final chapter of a long battle with cancer, desperately wishing for more time.

The other survived a serious suicide attempt after reaching a place where another day felt impossible.

Holding those two realities within the space of twenty-four hours left me asking a question I couldn't shake:

How can one person fight so fiercely to stay alive while another no longer wants to?

After more than 35 years supporting people through trauma, grief, disasters, illness and life's most difficult moments, I've learned there are rarely simple answers.

But I have learned this...

We never truly know what another person is carrying.

In this deeply personal episode, I share what these two extraordinary friends taught me about compassion, hope, invisible suffering, presence, nervous system regulation and what it really means to walk beside someone without trying to fix them.

This isn't an episode about having all the answers.

It's an invitation to become a little more curious, a little less judgmental, and a little more present with the people we love.

In this episode you'll discover:

•  Why suffering can't be measured from the outside. 
•  The profound difference between carrying someone's pain and walking beside them. 
•  Why presence is often more healing than advice. 
•  What 35 years of supporting people through trauma has taught me about being human. 
•  How to stay compassionate without becoming emotionally exhausted. 
•  Why nervous system regulation matters most during life's hardest moments. 
•  Three simple questions that may change the way you move through this week. 

If this conversation touches your heart, I'd love you to share it with someone who may need the reminder that they are not alone.

And if you're the one carrying more than anyone knows, please don't carry it alone. Reach out to someone you trust, your GP, a mental health professional, or a crisis support service in your area. There is support available, and you deserve it as you are worth it !

If this episode resonates with you then I'd love for you to hit SUBSCRIBE so you can keep updated with each new episode as soon as it's released and we'd be most grateful if you would give us a RATING as well. You can also find me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/drnatgreen/ or on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/DrNatalieGreen

Intro and Outro music: Inspired Ambient by Playsound.

Disclaimer: This podcast is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be deemed or treated as psychological treatment or to replace the need for psychological treatment.

Transcript

Dr Nat Green 0:00

before we begin today, I just wanna say that this episode is a little different. It wasn't planned. It was born out of one of the most emotionally difficult weeks that I've had in a very long time. And I hope that wherever you're listening today, you receive it in the spirit in which it was shared, with great compassion Now let's get on with it Welcome to Growing Tall Poppies, Thrive After Trauma. I'm your host, Dr. Nat Green, and I am so excited to have you join me as we discuss what it means to navigate your way through trauma or significant challenges, and not just survive, but to thrive after it. This is a space for people who've been through trauma or adversity, have done some healing, and know they're meant for more than just coping. This podcast is about post-traumatic growth, not getting back to who you used to be. Rather, understanding who you are now and learning how to stand tall without shrinking, forcing, or abandoning yourself. Here, we explore identity after adversity, integrity and visibility wounds, nervous system wisdom, and what it really takes to move forward in a way that feels aligned, embodied, and true. You will hear a blend of deep solo conversations and powerful guest interviews with people who have lived this work, not just studied it. Because growth doesn't come from pushing harder. It comes from understanding how you adapted, honoring your nervous system, and gently updating the old agreements that no longer fit the life you're ready to live. If you're ready to stop hiding, stop performing, and start owning who you are becoming, then you are in the right place. Let's grow tall together Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Growing Tall Poppies. I'm your host, Dr. Nat Green. And before we begin today, I just want to gently let you know that this episode touches on terminal illness and suicide So two very confronting and very emotional topics. If either of those topics feels particularly close to home for you today, then please be kind to yourself as you listen, and if today isn't the right day for this conversation, that is completely okay too. So just tune in as per normal again next week This wasn't the episode I was planning to record this week. In fact, I had another completely different one prepared. But as we know, life doesn't go according to plan, and over the past week, life has gently reminded me that sometimes the conversations that we most need to have aren't the ones that we planned. They're the ones that find us. And this week, it's been one of those weeks. Indeed, it's been one of the most emotionally challenging weeks that I've experienced in a very long time. Not because of something that's happened directly to me, but because of two people I love very deeply Two beautiful friends and two completely different journeys One of my beautiful friends has been courageously living with cancer for many, many years. I've known her for over 20 years. Our children grew up together. We've watched each other's families grow, celebrated milestones, laughed together, cried together, and shared so much life And she has fought harder than most of us could ever even begin to imagine. Multiple cancers, years upon years of treatments, years of uncertainty, years of choosing hope over and over again. And through all of it, she has remained one of the kindest, most generous, and most gracious people I know. She has an absolutely extraordinary zest for life. Her smile lights up a room. Her laugh is infectious, and she's one of those, you know, those really rare people who genuinely delight in the happiness of others. Even after everything she's endured, everything she's been through, she continues to give more than she takes. And this week came the news that we all knew was coming, but desperately hoped that we wouldn't hear Even now, standing at one of life's hardest crossroads, she's thinking about everyone else. Of course she is. Making decisions with courage and dignity, and loving the people around her so, so beautifully. And she talks about choosing how she wants to spend whatever time remains, doing what really matters And as I sat with her last week Over coffee, admiring her and her courage, and focusing on maintaining her dignity and how we can absolutely honor her wishes through to the end and beyond. One thought just kept coming back to me. She would give absolutely anything for more time, just one more ordinary day, one more morning sunrise, one more laugh with the people she loves, one more sunset, one more opportunity to simply be here And then only 24 hours later, another beautiful longtime friend found herself living through every family's nightmare. Her husband went missing. There was no trace of him and no response. You can only imagine the fear, the uncertainty, the frantic searching, the questions, the waiting, the hope, the absolute dread. Eventually, he was found following a very serious suicide attempt. Thankfully, he survived And that has brought great relief to many. But as anyone who has walked this path knows, this isn't the end of the story. It's the beginning of another one, a story filled with uncertainty, with recovery, questions without easy answers, the whole range of emotions, anger, fear, hope, heartbreak, all rolled into one, and the long road that lies ahead for every single member of that family and their circle of colleagues and friends And as I sat with both of these realities over the past week, I couldn't stop thinking about the paradox of it all. One person would give anything for another ordinary day, whilst another had reached a place where another day just felt impossible. How can both be true? How can both be held? There weren't neat answers, just a deep awareness of how incredibly complex being human really is. Because suffering, it's not something we can measure from the outside. It's shaped by our history, our experiences, our nervous systems, and the stories that we carry about ourselves. And perhaps that's where I wanna begin today, not with answers, but with compassion. Because one of the things that I've noticed throughout my 35 years of working alongside people through trauma, grief, illness, disasters, and life's hardest, most challenging moments, is just how quickly we try to make sense of someone else's pain. As humans, we're undoubtedly wired to search for explanations because explanations help us feel safer. So we ask ourselves questions or make or hear comments. How could someone reach that point? They looked so happy. They had so much to live for. I never saw that coming. Or, oh, she's so strong. I don't know how she keeps going. I could never do what she's doing now, please don't misunderstand me. Those thoughts do not make us bad people They make us human I've had many of those thoughts myself at various times in my life, if I'm honest But this week, they made me stop, because I realized something. Those thoughts aren't really about the other person's experience. They're about our attempts to make sense of something that feels almost impossible to comprehend. And perhaps that's one of the greatest traps that we can all fall into, believing that we need to understand someone's pain before we can respond with compassion Maybe we don't. Maybe compassion doesn't require understanding at all. Maybe compassion simply requires our presence Interesting, isn't it? One of the greatest privileges of my career has been being invited into people's lives during some of their most joyful moments and some of their most heartbreaking. Over 35 years, as I've said, I've had the absolute privilege of sitting beside people through disasters, illness, unimaginable loss, and profound moments of change And I've had that privilege of sitting with close friends and their families as their loved ones transition to that next stage, and supported them all afterwards. I've sat with people whose pain was obvious to everyone around them, and I've sat with people whose pain was completely invisible And if there's one lesson that rises above almost everything else, it's this: people rarely remember exactly what you said But they do remember how you made them feel. They remember who stayed, who wasn't afraid of their tears, who didn't rush to fill the silence, who didn't immediately try to fix them, who simply sat beside them and quietly communicated, "You don't have to carry this by yourself." I think presence has become an underrated gift. We live in a world that celebrates solutions, advice, action, doing, fixing. Yet some of the most healing moments that I've ever witnessed contain none of those things Just another human being willing to stay, to witness, to listen, to simply be there without needing to make the pain disappear Because let's be honest, sometimes it can't. Sometimes our role isn't to remove someone's suffering. It's simply to ensure that they don't suffer alone So as I've reflected on this really challenging week, something else really stood out to me. How often when someone else is hurting, we unintentionally make their pain about us. Now, I don't mean that in a critical way. I think it's something we all do. When someone we love is hurting, our instinct is often to fix it, not because we're doing anything wrong, but because sitting with someone else's pain can make us feel helpless. Yet some of those most healing moments don't require perfect words. They simply require us to stay There is something incredibly healing about being witnessed. Not analyzed, not fixed, not judged, simply witnessed. And this week also reminded me of something else. We have a tendency to compare suffering, almost without realizing it. We look at one person's circumstances and we think, "Well, surely that's worse," or, "They should be coping better than that," or perhaps, "If I were in their situation..." But here's the truth: pain is not something that we can compare. We don't get to measure someone else's suffering against our own experiences. The woman facing the end of her life isn't somehow stronger than the man whose emotional pain became unbearable, and the man whose emotional pain became unbearable isn't somehow weaker because his wounds aren't visible. Pain is not a competition. It isn't graded. It doesn't need to be justified before it deserves compassion One of the most humbling things I've learned throughout my career is that we never truly know what another person is carrying. Never. The smile doesn't tell us. The successful business doesn't tell us. The social media posts sure as heck don't tell us. The laughter doesn't tell us. The achievements don't tell us. Even that brave face doesn't tell us. Every single person you meet is carrying a story. Some chapters they happily share. Others, they remain completely hidden, hidden away from the world. And perhaps compassion becomes the moment that we stop asking, "Why would someone do that?" And instead begin asking- I wonder what pain they must have been carrying Can you feel the difference? One question creates judgment, and the other, it creates curiosity. One closes our hearts, and the other opens them. And I've also found myself reflecting on something very personal this week. I'll be honest, this week has been emotionally exhausting. I've found myself moving between heartbreak for one family and relief for another, while trying to hold two completely different realities at the same time And it reminded me of something that I've had to learn over many, many years. Compassion isn't martyrdom. Loving someone doesn't require us to carry what was never ours to carry. When we try to carry everyone else's suffering, eventually we become overwhelmed ourselves. I realized I was carrying it all in my body, waiting for the next phone call, holding my breath, living in anticipation of what might come next, while quietly carrying the weight of it all It was a reminder that the practices I teach aren't just for the people I work with. They're for me too. So I slowed down, walked in my garden, let myself just cry, and reached out to people I trust. It didn't change what these two beautiful families are facing But it helped me to return to them with an open heart instead of an exhausted one And sometimes we mistakenly believe that if we're not exhausted by someone else's suffering, then somehow we don't care enough. But that's simply not true Love isn't measured by how depleted we become. Compassion isn't measured by how much we sacrifice ourselves Indeed, the steadier we are, the more emotionally available we can become. And isn't that what the people we love actually need? Not another overwhelmed person, not another anxious person, not another person trying to fix everything Just our presence. Being present doesn't require us to carry someone else's pain. It requires us to stay grounded enough that they don't have to carry it alone, and I think that's the distinction. We walk beside people. We don't carry them, not because we're stepping away from compassion, but because that's what allows compassion to continue flowing tomorrow and the next day and the day after that And I think so many of us, especially those of us who are helpers, need permission to hear that. You don't have to become a martyr to prove your love You don't have to destroy your own health to demonstrate your compassion. You don't have to carry the world on your shoulders to make a difference. Sometimes the greatest gift you can offer another human being is simply your calm, grounded presence, and that becomes so much easier When you've first offered that same kindness to yourself As I've reflected on everything that's happened this week I realized that there was one question I kept asking myself. Not, why did this happen? Not, how do we make sense of this? But something much simpler. Who do I wanna be in the middle of it? Because we don't get to choose so many of the circumstances that life places before us We don't get to choose illness. We don't get to choose tragedy. We don't get to choose the timing of heartbreaking news, and we don't get to choose the struggles that other people carry. But we do get to choose how we meet them Will I meet them with judgment or curiosity? Will I meet them with advice or with presence? Will I rush to make myself feel better, or will I stay long enough to allow someone else to feel seen? And that, I think, is the invitation life has been quietly placing before me this week Both stories have reminded me of the absolute preciousness of life. Neither family expected this to be their story. None of us ever do. This week has reminded me that life can change so much between one phone call and the next One appointment, one moment, one ordinary Thursday that suddenly isn't ordinary anymore, and perhaps that's why kindness matters so much, because we have absolutely no idea what someone else may have walked through before they crossed our path today The person serving your coffee. The colleague who seems distracted The neighbor who hasn't been outside much lately, the parent at school drop-off, the friend who keeps saying, "I'm fine." We simply don't know And perhaps we don't need to know. Perhaps we simply need to remember that every single person we meet is carrying something. Some burdens are visible, but many are not. And this week really has reminded me of something else, how often we postpone the important things. We assume there'll be another lunch, another holiday, another conversation, another opportunity to say, "I love you. I'm proud of you. I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry. I forgive you." We live as though tomorrow is guaranteed, yet this week has reminded me that it isn't. And that isn't meant to frighten us. I actually think it's meant to wake us up, to remind us to stop waiting for the perfect moment It doesn't exist to stop assuming people know how much they matter to us, to stop delaying the phone call, the hug, the apology, the words we've been meaning to say for so long Because if there's one thing these two beautiful friends and families have reminded me, it's that life is incredibly precious, painfully fragile, and breathtakingly beautiful, sometimes all at once. So I'd love to leave you with a few gentle reflections today. As we finish today I'll simply leave you with three questions. Who in your life might need your presence this week? Number two who have you been meaning to call? And perhaps the most important question of all, how are you really? And before I finish today, I'd like to say something very personal. These two beautiful friends will probably never realize the gift they've given me this week. One reminded me that every ordinary day is a gift. The other reminded me that every person may be carrying a battle I'll never fully see. And between them, they've absolutely changed the way that I'll walk through the world And to you, my two beautiful friends, you know exactly who you are. Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you in very different seasons of your lives Thank you for reminding me of the extraordinary strength of the human spirit. Thank you for reminding me that courage wears many different faces Thank you for reminding me never to take an ordinary day for granted. I love you both very much. And to everyone listening today, if this conversation has brought someone to mind, please don't wait. Send the message. Make the phone call. Sit beside them. Tell them you love them. Ask the third question Not just how are you, but how are you really? And then stay long enough to hear the answer And if today you're the one who's struggling, if you're the one who feels overwhelmed, if you're the one carrying more than anyone knows, please don't carry it alone. Allow someone to sit beside you too, because none of us, not one of us, was ever meant to carry life's heaviest moments alone. Thank you so much for joining me for this conversation today. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love it if you shared it with someone who might need to hear it. Sometimes the greatest gift that we can give another person isn't advice. It's simply letting them know that they're seen, they're loved, and they're not alone. And finally, if today's conversation feels uncomfortably close to home for you, if you're the one who feels like life has become too heavy, please reach out to someone today, a trusted friend, a family member, your GP, a mental health professional, or a crisis support service in your area. You don't have to carry this alone. So until next time, hold your people close. Be kind to yourselves, be kind to one another, and keep growing tall. Bye for now. Thank you for spending this time with me on Growing Tall Poppies. My hope is that today's episode has offered you something more than insight, that it's helped you feel a little more connected to who you are now, a little more trusting of your body, and a little more permission to stand tall without shrinking or forcing yourself forward. Post-traumatic growth isn't about fixing yourself or returning to who you once were. It's about understanding how you adapted, honoring your nervous system, and gently choosing what no longer needs to come with you. New episodes of Growing Tall Poppies are released weekly. Every Tuesday, and I'd love for you to continue walking this path with us as we explore identity after adversity, integrity, invisibility wounds, nervous system wisdom, and what it truly means to grow forward grounded, aligned, and embodied. If this episode resonated, I invite you to subscribe, follow, share it with someone that you feel might need it, or simply take a quiet moment to reflect on what's ready to move forward for you. You can also find me on Instagram at drnatgreen, on Facebook at drnataliegreen, or over on YouTube at drnatgreen. And remember, you don't need to rush, and you don't need to hide anymore. Stay connected, stay true, and keep standing tall like the tall poppy you are. I'll see you in the next episode. Bye for now.