When Dementia Hits Home: Navigating Guilt, Grief & Growth

Following on from Dementia Action Week - In this deeply personal episode of Growing Tall Poppies, Dr. Nat Green opens up about her family’s raw and emotional journey through dementia and aged care. With both her Dad and StepMum living with Alzheimer’s and dementia, Nat shares the heartbreaking reality of navigating decline, hospital stays, and the difficult transition into aged care.

She speaks honestly about the guilt of being away, the grief of losing a parent while they’re still here, and the overwhelming responsibility that comes with caring for aging parents. Through her story, Nat offers comfort and compassion for families who may be facing the same challenges.

This episode is a reminder that while dementia can take away independence, memory, and clarity—it can’t erase love. And even in the middle of heartbreak, there are lessons of resilience, connection, and post-traumatic growth.

💜 If you’ve ever felt torn between caring for loved ones and living your own life, this episode will help you feel seen, understood, and less alone.

If this episode resonates with you then I'd love for you to hit SUBSCRIBE so you can keep updated with each new episode as soon as it's released and we'd be most grateful if you would give us a RATING as well. You can also find me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/drnatgreen/ or on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/DrNatalieGreen

Intro and Outro music: Inspired Ambient by Playsound.

Disclaimer: This podcast is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be deemed or treated as psychological treatment or to replace the need for psychological treatment.

Transcript

Dr Nat Green: 0:01

Welcome to the Growing Tall Poppies Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nat Green, and I'm so excited to have you join me as we discuss what it means to navigate your way through post-traumatic growth and not just survive, but to thrive after trauma. Through our podcast, we will explore ways for you to create a life filled with greater purpose, self-awareness, and a deep inner peace. Through integrating the many years of knowledge and professional experience, as well as the wisdom of those who have experienced trauma firsthand. We'll combine psychology accelerated approaches. Coaching and personal experience to assist you, to learn, to grow and to thrive. I hope to empower you to create deeper awareness and understanding and stronger connections with yourself and with others, whilst also paving the way for those who have experienced trauma and adversity to reduce their suffering and become the very best versions of themselves. In order to thrive. Thank you so much for joining me on today's episode. Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to Growing Tall Poppies. I'm Dr. Nat Green, and today I wanted to share something really close to my heart with you all this week as I'm recording this, it's Dementia Action and Awareness Week. And I felt really strongly that I wanted to dedicate this episode to something much more personal than usual. I wanna take you behind the scenes of what's been happening in our own family, because the truth is dementia is not just something that happens out there to other people. It's something that many of us will face in our families, particularly with an aging population. We are getting greater numbers of people diagnosed with dementia as we live to be older, and the reality is it's messy. It's heartbreaking and full of emotions that. Pretty much aren't often talked about. So today I wanted to share a little of my dad's journey, what it's been like for us as a family and how I've been navigating the guilt, the grief, and the reality of transitioning a parent into aged care. All of that on top of, as you know, the recent trip to Europe with all the challenges that posed and then coming home and being absolutely bedridden for 10 days with illness. So yeah, definitely a challenging time. And I thought I'd just share with you what the reality is, so you know that. Life isn't always this perfect picture that a lot of people paint. As you know, one of my greatest values is of integrity and being authentic. So here you are, hear me opening up warts and all to what's been going on in that reality and. Whilst I've been navigating that guilt, the grief, and the reality that now faces us, my hope is that if you are going through something similar, that you'll feel less alone and maybe find just a little bit of comfort in knowing that all those messy feelings that you are having are totally normal, warranted, and it's really important to acknowledge them and allow ourselves to feel them. Because sometimes life sucks. So let me start with a bit of background. My own mum died of breast cancer when she was aged 51 after a long grueling seven year battle. And at the time my dad stepped up. Like I never, never dreamt. He would do or even could do. Never thought it was possible, but he was fantastic. He took care of my Mum, supported her, and went above and beyond and this was something that I will always remember and I'm grateful for and will acknowledge him for. Dad remarried 23 years ago. To the most amazing lady who we all love deeply and honestly, we truly have been blessed to have the two most wonderful souls as mother figures. I honestly count my blessings every single day, and unfortunately, my stepmom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago. It rocked our world and you know, each. Day, or not even day, but week, a month, we've lost a little bit more of her, but she's still amazing and we love her dearly. And whilst my dad can be extremely frustrating at times, like most of our parents can, to my dad's credit yet again, he stepped up and he took on the carer role and has provided both physical and emotional support. And they've mutually supported each other and they love each other dearly. And for that, I'm so grateful. However, to add another little challenge in the mix, my dad was also diagnosed with both Alzheimer's and vascular dementia not too long ago, back in May, it's been. A really tough road, to be honest. And like many families, it wasn't something that happened overnight. It was little things at first, moments of forgetfulness, some disorientation and confusion and changes in how he managed things. Some challenges in processing, and then there's been periods of denial and attempts. From him, but from both of them to hide the reality so that they could stay safe, independent, and at home, you know? So what has made it even more complex, of course, for us, is that Dad was also the primary carer for my stepmom, and we then started to notice a decline in her care and functioning. So here was this man who'd been strong, supportive. Carrying the responsibility of looking after his partner and suddenly his own health was slipping away and he didn't wanna acknowledge that. And we worked hard to get some additional supports in place. But as we all know, the aged care system here, leaves a lot to be desired and there are far more people needing care. than there are available packages, especially when you live in regional areas and ones where there is an aging population make it even that little bit more challenging and their level one and two aged care packages certainly weren't cutting it. And they were of course adamant that they could still manage on their own. So it's been a fairly drawn out challenge with many sidesteps and a little dance along the way, and a lot of challenging conversations. And as you know, I went overseas for this family trip of a lifetime that we'd been planning for a very long time. And when I went overseas recently, things seemed fairly stable. We had a basic plan in place for eyes to be on them both to ensure adequate care needs and support, and we thought we had more time, but clearly we didn't. While I was away, everything changed so quickly. His decline has been pretty rapid. The messages I was getting from home was that he was okay. And then a few days before we arrived home, there appeared to be a really steep decline with some potential falls, but with very unreliable reports. So it was really hard to ascertain, and this is tough. I can't describe the sinking feeling of returning home. And seeing a person that you love, having experienced such a sudden decline within seven days at most, with no clear understanding of why. And the truth is you can't always be there. You have to do things yourself and live your own life too. I'm very mindful of that and aware of that, and as a carer and support, of course, you need and are entitled to a break. But life pulls us in so many directions and sometimes decline doesn't wait for the calendar to line up neatly. Well, all the times, life isn't linear and we can't control everything. So then has come the guilt and the emotions. With all of this has come this huge wave of guilt. In the initial stages, there wasn't guilt. I was able to rationalize that I was entitled to some time away and that self-care is important, and so on and so on. All those internal conversations. But as Dad's been in hospital for an extended period. Those doubts and guilty moments have crept in the guilt of not being there in those exact moments. The guilt of choosing to go on a trip to live my life while knowing that things at home weren't easy, the guilt of not being able to split myself in two, one half in Europe with that one also battling health issues and challenging situations over there. And the other at home doing regular check-ins on them both rather than having to rely on others to do those. And I think this is something that so many families just don't talk about. We assume we should somehow manage it all perfectly, that we should be the ever present daughter or son, while also balancing our own work, our own families, our own lives. That's crap.'cause the reality is it's impossible. And yet, even knowing that the guilt lingers for me, it's been this constant inner conversation. Am I doing enough? Am I letting him down? Am I letting my family down as they need my focus too? And alongside the guilt is this deep grief. Watching someone you love lose parts of themselves, lose their independence, their mobility, and lose clarity. It's like you're grieving them even more while they're still here. It's an incredibly heavy kind of loss because you never quite know which version of them you'll get each day. In fact, from one hour to the next in each day. And then there's the reality of making decisions around aged care. Oh my goodness, that is so not fun. And I would not recommend that. Well actually put it this way. I would not recommend avoiding having done that prior to getting to this situation. And there's been a lot of learnings around that for me. Ones that I already knew, but now that are hitting home even more. I don't think anyone really prepares you for how complicated and emotional this is. It's not just about finding the right place or signing the mounds, the endless mounds of paperwork. It's about accepting that your parent, or in this case, parent and stepparent, who once took care of you, now needs that same care or even more themselves. It's that shift in roles. Suddenly you are the one making decisions, signing forms, talking to doctors, having to do yet again, major advocacy in systems that just don't have that level of personal care that you'd give. And asking the questions about medication safety, requesting respect. Insisting on dignity because sometimes some caregivers have forgotten how to do that and are void of empathy, and that's been really challenging. And at the same time, your heart is screaming, this isn't how it's supposed to be. It's also incredibly confronting. Walking into aged care facilities, meeting with staff, facing the reality of what life will look like for your parent or parents from now on, it brings up so much grief and fear and that dance of, will this be right? Is this the best option? How will I know? Is how they present to us, really, how it is in there. So many thoughts, so many fears. And then there's the family side of it. Siblings, partners, step siblings in this case, and potentially tricky relationships with everyone processing things differently, everyone wanting what's best, but sometimes having different opinions on what best actually looks like. That can create tension at the very moment that you're all already stretched thin emotionally. And in the middle of all of this, I've been asking myself, what is this teaching me? What can I take from this incredibly hard season? One of the big lessons has been around letting go of control. I can't control the pace of dad's decline. I can't control every decision or every outcome, and that's hard for me and some of my other family members. You know, most of us like to have a plan to feel like we're doing everything right, but dementia doesn't follow a plan. Another lesson has been the importance of allowing myself to feel the sadness, the intense sadness, the guilt, the anger, the helplessness. They're all part of the process, and there really wasn't a huge amount of time. Pretending our emotions don't exist only makes it a much heavier load to carry. And perhaps the biggest lesson is the reminder that you can't do this alone. Whether it's leaning on siblings, friends, or professional support, navigating dementia is way too big a weight for one person to carry by themselves. It's essential that we get some form of support as it really is a long and challenging road. So I really urge you to reach out and ask for help. It's not a sign of weakness. In fact, it's a sign of strength. It's not something you can do alone. And for those of you listening who are going through this right now. I want you to know this. It's okay if you feel like you're not doing enough. It's okay if you feel torn in a million directions. It's okay if you feel like you're failing. Some days you are not. You are human. And in those quiet moments with my dad and my stepmom, even as things change, there are still. Huge flashes of love, of connection, of shared history and great stories. Dementia can take away so much, but it can't erase the love. Now, before we close today, I'd love to leave you with a few reflection questions. These are designed to help you pause, to breathe, and to connect with your own journey. Especially if you are walking through something that feels really heavy right now, whether it's navigating care of a parent who's transitioning into that end stage of life or aged care, or if you are navigating your own or a family member's trauma, this is all relevant. You might wanna jot these down in a journal or simply take a quiet moment to think about them. Where am I carrying guilt right now? And what would it feel like to soften that guilt with self-compassion? Number two, what part of this season is teaching me something new about myself? About my strength, my resilience, or even my ability to love more deeply. Number three, in the middle of grief or loss, what are the small moments of connection or grace that I can still hold onto? And number four, how might this difficult experience shape me for the better in the long run? Even if I can't see it fully yet, what seeds of growth might be planted here? And number five, what support do I need and who can I allow into my circle right now instead of carrying this alone? These kind of reflections are at the heart of post-traumatic growth. Finding meaning, purpose, strength, and even transformation. Not by denying the pain, but by acknowledging it and letting it teach us something new about ourselves. Remember, growth doesn't erase the hardship. It grows alongside it. Thank you. So, so much. I honestly feel so honored that you've stayed till the end and that you're still listening. Thank you for letting me share something so raw and personal today. If you are walking a similar road right now, then please know you are not alone. There are so many of us navigating the heartbreak of dementia in our families. Even though each journey is different, the feelings, the guilt, the grief, the exhaustion are shared. If you need support, I really encourage you to reach out to organizations in Australia, like Dementia Australia, but I'm sure they exist in other countries as well, or the Alzheimer's Association. Sometimes just talking to someone who gets it. It can make all the difference. And if this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you. Send me a message, share your story, or just know that by listening today, you've been part of something that matters. So thank you so much for listening, for being a part of our amazing community. Until next time, take care of yourself and the people you love. Bye for now. Thank you for joining me in this episode of Growing Tall Poppies. It is my deepest hope that today's episode may have inspired and empowered you to step fully into your post-traumatic growth, so that you can have absolute clarity around who you are, what matters the most to you, and to assist you to release your negative emotions. And regulate your nervous system so you can fully thrive. New episodes are published every Tuesday, and I hope you'll continue to join us as we explore both the strategies and the personal qualities required to fully live a life of post-traumatic growth and to thrive. So if it feels aligned to you and really resonates, then I invite you to hit subscribe and it would mean the world to us. If you could share this episode with others who you feel may benefit too, you may also find me on Instagram at Growing Tall Poppies and Facebook, Dr. Natalie Green. Remember, every moment is an opportunity to look for the lessons and to learn and increase your ability to live the life you desire and deserve. So for now, stay connected. Stay inspired. Stand tall like the tall poppy you are, and keep shining your light brightly in the world. Bye for.