Episode 31:- Breaking Free -Shedding The Mask & Letting Go of Your Pre-Trauma Self

In this solo episode of Growing Tall Poppies, Dr. Nat Green delves into the exhaustion of wearing the "I'm fine" mask after trauma and the unrealistic desire to return to the person you were before your painful experiences. She breaks down why pretending everything is okay is keeping you stuck and disconnected from your true self, and how embracing vulnerability and accepting the new version of yourself is the key to authentic healing.

Dr. Nat also addresses the common but damaging impulse to compare your current self to who you were before trauma, and why it's impossible—and unhealthy—to go back to that version of yourself. Instead, she guides you through the process of accepting and embracing the new, stronger, and more resilient version of yourself that has emerged through your journey.

You’ll learn:

• Why constantly pretending you’re fine drains your energy and keeps you stuck.
• The role of vulnerability in breaking the cycle of isolation and disconnection.
• How trauma reshapes your identity and why you can’t—and shouldn’t—go back to your pre-trauma self.
• Practical tips to let go of the past and step into your authentic self, fully embracing the person you’ve become.

Tune in for an empowering conversation that encourages you to release the weight of the past and embrace your present self with acceptance and pride.

Key Takeaways:

1. The Cost of Pretending: The emotional exhaustion of pretending everything is okay keeps you stuck in isolation.
2. The Power of Vulnerability: Letting down the mask and embracing vulnerability is key to real connection and healing.
3. Why You Can’t Go Back: Trauma changes you, but those changes bring strength, resilience, and new opportunities for growth.
4. Embrace Your New Self: Reclaiming your authenticity involves accepting who you are now and recognizing the gifts that have come from your journey through trauma.

Join the Conversation:

Have you ever felt like you’re stuck behind a mask of pretending? 
Do you struggle with wanting to return to your pre-trauma self? 
Share your thoughts and experiences with me on social media or email me at drnat@drnataliegreen.com.au

Don’t forget to subscribe to Growing Tall Poppies for more conversations on post-traumatic growth and personal empowerment!

If this episode resonates with you then I'd love for you to hit SUBSCRIBE so you can keep updated with each new episode as soon as it's released and we'd be most grateful if you would give us a RATING as well. You can also find me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/drnatgreen/ or on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/DrNatalieGreen

Intro and Outro music: Inspired Ambient by Playsound.

Disclaimer: This podcast is intended for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be deemed or treated as psychological treatment or to replace the need for psychological treatment.

Transcript

Dr Nat Green: 0:01

Welcome to the Growing Tall Poppies podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nat Green, and I'm so excited to have you join me as we discuss what it means to navigate your way through post traumatic growth and not just survive, thrive after trauma. Through our podcast, we will explore ways for you to create a life filled with greater purpose, self awareness, and a deep inner peace. Through integrating the many years of knowledge and professional experience, as well as the wisdom of those who have experienced trauma firsthand, we will combine psychology, accelerated approaches, coaching, and personal experience to assist you to learn, to grow, and to thrive. I hope to empower you to create deeper awareness and understanding and stronger connections with yourself and with others, whilst also paving the way for those who have experienced trauma and adversity to reduce their suffering and become the very best versions of themselves in order to thrive. Thank you so much for joining me on today's episode. Welcome back to another episode of Growing Tall Poppies. I'm your host, Dr. Nat Green, and I am so glad that you're joining me today as we do a deep dive into a topic that I know will resonate with so many of you. Those of you who've been through trauma or faced some sort of adversity, especially if you've ever felt like you're putting on a mask to just go out and face the world, when deep down things are anything but okay. And I know so many of you struggle with this, this persistent feeling of being stuck, disconnected from yourself and trying to return to the person you were before your trauma. Today we'll be talking about two interconnected themes. Firstly, we'll explore why so many people feel trapped in the cycle of pretending that everything is fine. Even when we know it's not. How many times do you go out in the world and someone says to you, how are you? And you go, I'm fine. This is a really regular occurrence and it's time to open up to the fact that things aren't always actually fine. That what we're doing is wearing a mask and this mask actually keeps us from healing. We're going to dive into the desire to return to the person you were before trauma. As I know that this is a really common occurrence, and then we're gonna look a little bit at why in reality, hoping to return to the person we used to be is not only impossible, but it's actually holding us back from the growth and the freedom that awaits us on the other side. And here's the best part, I firmly believe that the version of you that's emerging now, the one that's been through the trauma, who has the scars and he's still standing. That version of you is more resilient, it's wiser and more authentic than who you ever were before. You just need to embrace it. So let's get into it today. Let's start with something that I've heard from so many of my clients over the years that I've worked in the field of trauma. The weight of constantly pretending that everything is fine when it isn't. In fact, it's far from it. You're going about your day, interacting with people, maybe even smiling and engaging in conversations. But inside, you feel like you're barely holding it together. Like that duck floating on the water with its webbed feet paddling like crazy. It's exhausting, right? If you're nodding along right now, I get it. I totally get it. It's a struggle that so many of us face after trauma. You feel like you have to put on this brave face, either because you don't want to burden others, and that's a quite common one, or because you're afraid of being seen as broken. You've likely mastered the art of pretending, keeping up appearances, going through the motions, and acting like you've got it all together. But here's the thing, pretending,is absolutely exhausting. The truth is, wearing that mask, that I'm fine mask, takes an incredible amount of emotional and mental energy. And you might not even realise how much effort you're putting into maintaining that facade until it starts to actually break down. Maybe you notice yourself feeling irritated, overwhelmed, or just plain exhausted and you're not really sure why. And so the cycle continues and just perpetuates. But here's the thing, when you're stuck in this pattern of pretending, it doesn't just affect your energy levels, it keeps you stuck in a cycle of frustration and of isolation. The more you push down those real and raw emotions, the further away you actually drift from your true self. So why do we do this? Why do we hide behind the mask of I'm fine? Often it's because we're being taught. Whether by society, our family, or even by ourselves, that being vulnerable or showing our struggles is a sign of weakness. We worry about being judged or seen as broken, so we just keep pushing forward, trying to meet everyone else's expectations of who we should be. And when you throw in being a health professional on top of all of that, like I know so many of you are, I honestly believe it's amplified even further. There's this perception that we have to have it all together, that we have the skills to get through our stuff and move forward. And then there's the governing body overseeing our wellness and regulating our need to not be impaired. So we put on that extra layer of armour, as well as our mask. And we do everything we can to keep going and going and going and push ourselves beyond what is possible and beyond, way beyond what is actually okay. But the cost is high. Pretending to be fine is not only draining, it's also a roadblock to healing and a surefire way to experience burnout as well. It takes so much energy to maintain that facade. You spend every day wearing this emotional armour and over time it really starts to weigh you down. You feel disconnected from yourself because you're constantly suppressing your real emotions. You might find that you're isolating yourself more and more because being around others feels overwhelming when you have to keep pretending that everything is okay. And the truth is by holding onto this mask you're actually keeping yourself stuck. You're not allowing yourself to be vulnerable, which we know is a critical part of our healing. Think about it this way. Vulnerability is like a bridge. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, when we show others that we're struggling, when we finally let that guard of ours down, it creates a connection. It opens the door to compassion, support, and to understanding. But when we keep that door closed, we reinforce the walls around us. And we end up feeling even more alone and even more disconnected. Why is vulnerability so scary? It often comes down to fear. Fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of being seen as weak, or as I've just mentioned, fear of being seen as broken. For many people who've experienced trauma, there's this intense fear of being vulnerable because they feel like they've already lost control once. And letting others in feels like giving up even more control. I completely understand why. When you've experienced trauma, you've already felt vulnerable in the worst possible way. Maybe you were hurt or let down by people you trusted. Maybe you felt powerless. So the idea of being vulnerable again feels extremely risky. Almost like opening the door to more pain. And let's face it, why on earth would we want to do that? But here's what I want you to understand. Vulnerability isn't weakness. In fact, it takes immense courage to be vulnerable, to show up fully as yourself, scars and all. And when you start to let go of the mask and embrace your own vulnerability, You'll find that the connections you make are so much deeper and way more meaningful. You'll feel less alone, less isolated and actually more understood. Vulnerability really is the bridge that allows us to reconnect with ourselves and with others. It's the opposite of the I'm fine mask. So I encourage you to start asking yourself, What am I really afraid of if I let down this mask? What would it mean to let someone see the real, messy, the imperfect version of you? Because I promise you there is power in that vulnerability. When you actually allow yourself to be vulnerable, whether that's by admitting how you really feel, asking for help, or simply allowing yourself to experience your emotions fully, you start to break down the walls that have been keeping you isolated and feeling so alone. And you know, here's the beautiful thing. Vulnerability is where the real connection happens. When you show up as your true self, you actually also give others permission to do the same. You create the space for healing and connection that's rooted in authenticity, not imperfection. You get to show up as the real you without the weight of all those added expectations and layers of burdens. Now let's shift gears a little and talk about the other piece of this puzzle. This common desire that we have to return to the person we were before our trauma. I hear this all the time from people. I just want to go back to who I was before all of this happened. It's completely natural to feel this way. Hey, I've been there too. All I could focus on was doing everything in my power to go back to how I was. Because trauma can feel like it steals part of us. And our natural instinct, of course, is to want those parts back, to feel whole again. You might miss the confidence you had, or the sense of safety, or just the way you used to move through the world without this heavy burden on your shoulders. But here's the truth, you can't go back. You are forever changed by your trauma. And while that might sound scary or painful, it's actually the key to our healing, trying to force yourself back into that old version of yourself. is like trying to wear a pair of shoes that no longer fit, a pair of really tight pants that don't even do up. They might have been comfortable once, but now they're too small. They're restrictive and continuing to wear them will only cause you pain. So how do we start reclaiming our authenticity after trauma? The first step is to recognize that healing is not about going back to who you were before the trauma happened. It's about discovering and embracing the person you are now, in this moment. This might sound really simple, but it can be a really difficult shift. We want to feel the way we used to feel, or live the way we used to live. But the reality is, trauma changes us. It changes us at our core and that's actually okay. The goal isn't to go backward. It's to continue to move forward into a new, true, authentic version of yourself. So here's why it's not just impossible. It's actually unhealthy to go back to who you were before the trauma. Because the person you were before your trauma, Hadn't yet gone through the transformation that you've been through now. Trauma changes you. It forces, whether you like it or not, it forces you to confront your deepest fears. It pushes you to grow in ways you didn't even know you were capable of. And it reshapes your worldview. And while the old version of you may have felt comfortable, the new version of you, the person you are now, holds so much potential for growth or strength. and for wisdom. You've survived, you've undoubtedly adapted, and you've learned things about yourself that you never would have learned otherwise. So what if, instead of trying to go back, you allowed yourself to move forward? What if you accepted that the person you are now is just as worthy, just as valuable, and in so many ways even stronger than the person that you used to be. Reclaiming your identity and understanding who you are now after your trauma means letting go of the pressure to have it all together. It means allowing yourself to be imperfect, to have messy emotions and to take off that mask of I'm fine. It's about embracing who you really are, scars and all, and finding peace with where you are in your journey right now. One way to start this process is by getting really honest with yourself. Ask yourself, when do I wear the mask of I'm fine? Why do I feel the need to hide how I'm really feeling? What would happen if I allowed myself to be more vulnerable, both with myself and with others? One of the key things that keeps us stuck is comparison. We so often compare who we are now. to who we were before. And we tell ourselves that we were better then. I was happier, I was more confident, or I used to handle stress so much better. But here's the problem with that. You're comparing yourself to a romanticised, idealised version of the past. None of us were perfect before our trauma, let's face it. But in our own minds, we paint this picture of our old selves as being flawless. And every time we compare our current selves to that old version, we're going to come up short. It's time to let go of that comparison. The truth is you were different before, but not better. You were just in a different phase of life. Now you've gone through something incredibly difficult and while it's changed you, it's also given you the opportunity to grow in ways that you couldn't have even imagined. So, what does it look like to embrace your new self after trauma? It starts with acceptance. Accepting that you are not who you were before and that is totally okay. You don't need to go back to being the person that you used to be in order to be whole or to be happy. Think about all the things you've learned from your trauma. Maybe you've become more resilient. Maybe you've developed a deeper sense of empathy for others who are struggling. And that's one that I often see along the way. Maybe you've learned how to set boundaries, because let's face it, the majority of us needed to, or how to protect your peace, or how to truly value yourself. These are actually gifts that your pre trauma self never had. Your new self is wiser, stronger, and more authentic than your old self ever could have been. And when you really start to embrace this new version of you, you'll find that there's so much more freedom on the other side. So let's just talk about some practical steps that you can take to start letting go of the need to return to your old self and to begin embracing your new self. The first one, acknowledge the loss. It's okay to grieve the person you used to be. Give yourself permission to feel the sadness. the frustration or even the anger that comes with realising you really can't go back. But also recognise that this grief is absolutely part of your healing. Number two, journal for reflection. Use journalling as a process to explore the idea of who you were before versus who you are now. What strengths have you gained through your trauma? What lessons have you learned? Start shifting your perspective from loss to growth. That really will start to shift things and make a difference. Number three, Let's look at some journaling prompts that'll get you started. Grab a journal and take some time to reflect on these questions. When do I feel like I have to pretend that everything is fine? What am I afraid will happen if I show my true emotions? And how would it feel to let go of that mask, even just a little bit? And then number four, let's let down the mask, even if it's just with one trusted person. Start allowing yourself to be seen as you truly are, without pretending that everything is okay. And the more you practice vulnerability, the more you'll feel connected and understood. Number five, mindfulness and breathing exercises. When vulnerability feels overwhelming, practice grounding yourself through mindfulness. Focus on your breath. Breathe in deeply for four counts, hold for four, and then exhale for four. And this can help you stay present and calm when your emotions start to feel too heavy. Number six, let go of comparison. Stop comparing your current self to your old self. Every time you catch yourself doing that. Remind yourself that you are in a different phase of life now, and that's okay. You are exactly where you need to be. And number seven, vulnerability doesn't mean you have to open up to everyone. Start by finding just one or two people in your life who you can trust completely. For these are the people who won't judge you, who'll listen without trying to fix you, and that's a big one. People often want to jump in and fix you. But that's not helpful. Find someone who will listen without trying to fix you, and who will accept you for who you are. Begin practicing vulnerability with them. Share how you're really feeling, without the mask. So to everyone listening today, I want you to remember, as we wrap up today's episode, you don't need to go back to the person you were before your trauma. That version of you is gone, and that's okay. The person you are now has the potential to be more authentic, more resilient and more powerful than you could ever have imagined. And you don't have to keep wearing the mask of, I'm fine. Healing isn't about perfection or having it all together. It's about embracing who you truly are. Imperfections, struggles, scars and all. Embrace your new self. Let go of that mask. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. and give yourself permission to move forward, to truly move forward, just as you desire and deserve. Take small steps towards vulnerability. Start showing up as your authentic self, who you truly are, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Because the more that you do this, the more that you will find peace, connection, and true healing. So thanks for joining me today on Growing Tall Poppies. I'm Dr Nat Green and as always, I'm here to remind you that growth after trauma is not only possible, it's waiting for you. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out, you can get me on social media, on Instagram. Facebook, or flick me an email, drnat@drnataliegreen.com.au share your thoughts and let me know how you're embracing vulnerability in your own journey. Until next time, take care of yourself, stay grounded, and remember keep on growing tall and thriving as the tall poppy that you were always destined to be. Bye for now. Thank you for joining me in this episode of Growing Tall Poppies. It is my deepest hope that today's episode may have inspired and empowered you to step fully into your post traumatic growth so that you can have absolute clarity around who you are, what matters the most to you, and to assist you to release your negative emotions and regulate your nervous system. So you can fully thrive. New episodes are published every Tuesday And I hope you'll continue to join us as we explore both the strategies and the personal qualities required to fully live a life of post traumatic growth and to thrive. So if it feels aligned to you and really resonates, then I invite you to hit subscribe and it would mean the world to us if you could share this episode with others who you feel may benefit, too. You may also find me on Instagram at growing tall poppies and Facebook, Dr. Natalie Green. Remember, every moment is an opportunity to look for the lessons and to learn and increase your ability to live the life you desire and deserve. So for now, stay connected, stay inspired, stand tall like the tall poppy you are. and keep shining your light brightly in the world. Bye for now.